im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
