I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
