and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
