So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
