the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
