sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
