Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Randomize
