dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Still dying that you shit outside
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.