She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.