We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.