You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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