OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Mom said you looked used
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
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