If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
