from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
