ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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