i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
