I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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