I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Randomize