last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
