Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
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figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
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Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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