I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
There are leaves in my underwear?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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