Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
