I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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