That's when you crack a 10am beer
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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