Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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