My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize