He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
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