im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
