Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Randomize
