I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
