im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
