I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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