And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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