allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
