Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
