Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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