My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
