i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
