If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
