I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You pole danced in your parka.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
