I should be sponsored by Trojan
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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