Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Randomize
