I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
