so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
