Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
