Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
