the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
