Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I think a kid would responsible me up
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
