If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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