You smell like stripper and shame
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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