The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
