Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
