My boss' voice literally gives me gas
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
