im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
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