you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
