do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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