Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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