Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
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I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
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He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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