i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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