she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
