Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Randomize
